I have to admit I do not handle disappointment well. When people disappointment me there's an automatic response in me to withdraw. I don't even realize I'm doing it most times and many times it's a subtle withdrawal: a facial expression, the absence of a smile, a polite coldness. I'm often not aware that I am subtly withdrawing until someone points it out to me. It's something I have struggled with for a very long time, but I need to learn to make peace with disappointment because it's a guarantee that people will disappoint you from time to time. Disappointment from people is inevitable, but what do you do when you feel disappointed by God? I don't know. I'm working through this right now.
Anyone who walks with God long enough will experience disappointment with God. It's a part of the authentic journey with God. Walk with God long enough and God will disappoint you. Not because God wants to hurt your feelings, not because God ceases to be faithful; God never ceases to be faithful, but because God often does the unexpected and often leaves the expected undone. Our disappointment stems from our expectations of God and sometimes, as in any relationship, our expectations need to be adjusted.
I am disappointed with God right now regarding a major area of my life. I have asked for God's help with something that I cannot make happen on my own and it hasn't happened yet. I feel like it's been a long time. I have watched many other people in my life have what I am still praying for and there are times when I can't help but ask, "God where are you? Do you see me? Can't you see that I'm hurting? Do you care? When are you going to do something? I can't make this happen on my own and I don't think I can wait much longer." It's hard. It's frustrating. I feel it's unfair. I don't know what to do.
I withdrew from God in prayer because I couldn't help but feel that God was responsible for my pain in some way. Has anyone else ever felt that way? I felt that God was just watching me go through life with a broken heart and not doing anything so I withdrew. I stopped talking to God in prayer and in doing so I cut myself off from a major source of strength in my life. Big mistake!
So what do I do now? My back is against the wall. I can't fall back on my default position: withdrawal; that's not working. Giving God the silent treatment is accomplishing nothing! I cannot deny that God is faithful. Even in the midst of my disappointment I see God taking care of me in other ways. I have no choice but to begin to make peace with my disappointment, to begin again with God, to try to have a different understanding of what it means to walk with God. I don't quite know how to do that, but I am committed to staying on the journey. I will share more about this in my next entry. Thanks for walking alongside me on this journey so far.
Following the Way,
Kevin
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I just want to say you're not alone in being disappointed with God. I have issues with trusting anyone.. usually I stay comforted to the fact that God is the only One who will never changed and that you can always count on. Imagine having nobody to fall back on. Not Even God. For me it's seems like trials, heartaches, disappointments and rejections in this life was made just for me, though I always looked up to God until I felt that God left me, He didn't come though when I needed Him the most, when I fasted, prayed and trusted. God not only didn't come through... things got worst to the point that I felt that I couldn't breathe. What do you do? it hurts.. when you've given your all to Him, devoted yourself to Him then He breaks your heart. I haven't been able to pray myself because I don't know what to say. I have blamed God for some things that happens, repented then my heart hardens again.. when I hear that God come through and answers other people but not mine.. maybe I wasn't good enough for him to answer me. People keeps saying He has a better plan.. I can't see because things go from bad to worse. Right now I only trust in God for my salvation, knowing that I can't or couldn't do anything to get to Heaven, it's provided for me though Jesus-Christ. As far as being on this earth.. God is God, He's still good and Sovereign.. and He does what He wants... There''s nothing I can do about it.
ReplyDeleteSt. Teresa once pondered all the difficult things that God asked His servants to bear and she commented..."God, if this is how you treat your friends, it is easy to see why you have so few." Our love for God is purified in the furnace of disappointment. It is thought that the book of Job is the oldest book in the bible...the question of how a loving God can permit so much suffering is the oldest question and no one will ever really understand it because even God did not give a clear explaination to His righteous sevant Job...One day every tear will be wiped away...for now, they are held in a bottle. Suffering saints are the true lovers of God, and surely God loves them back.
ReplyDeleteI am reading your blog because I am searching for the answers that you are asking yourself. I think with God, we never really have an option but to trust. Trust that while it does not make sense, it is something that is in his hands. I get frustrated with God when I see myself bumping into walls. But while all is not well, in my heart I have learnt to say, it is well. Yes, it is dark right now, Yes, uncertainty looms, and definitely it looks like God is away from it all. But you know what? He's got this.Maybe not the way you or me want it.But the way the master of the universe wants it. Good luck, I hope God came through. I am not there yet in my struggle with the things life should be like, but am beyond elated with what God is doing in the back ground.
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