Making Peace with Disappointment

When God Disappoints

I have to admit I do not handle disappointment well.  When people disappointment me there's an automatic response in me to withdraw.  I don't even realize I'm doing it most times and many times it's a subtle withdrawal: a facial expression, the absence of a smile, a polite coldness.  I'm often not aware that I am subtly withdrawing until someone points it out to me.  It's something I have struggled with for a very long time, but I need to learn to make peace with disappointment because it's a guarantee that people will disappoint you from time to time.  Disappointment from people is inevitable, but what do you do when you feel disappointed by God?  I don't know.  I'm working through this right now.

Anyone who walks with God long enough will experience disappointment with God.  It's a part of the authentic journey with God.  Walk with God long enough and God will disappoint you.  Not because God wants to hurt your feelings, not because God ceases to be faithful; God never ceases to be faithful, but because God often does the unexpected and often leaves the expected undone.  Our disappointment stems from our expectations of God and sometimes, as in any relationship, our expectations need to be adjusted.

I am disappointed with God right now regarding a major area of my life.  I have asked for God's help with something that I cannot make happen on my own and it hasn't happened yet.  I feel like it's been a long time.  I have watched many other people in my life have what I am still praying for and there are times when I can't help but ask,  "God where are you?  Do you see me?  Can't you see that I'm hurting?  Do you care?  When are you going to do something?  I can't make this happen on my own and I don't think I can wait much longer."  It's hard.  It's frustrating.  I feel it's unfair.  I don't know what to do.

I withdrew from God in prayer because I couldn't help but feel that God was responsible for my pain in some way.  Has anyone else ever felt that way?  I felt that God was just watching me go through life with a broken heart and not doing anything so I withdrew.  I stopped talking to God in prayer and in doing so I cut myself off from a major source of strength in my life.  Big mistake!

So what do I do now?  My back is against the wall.  I can't fall back on my default position: withdrawal; that's not working.  Giving God the silent treatment is accomplishing nothing!  I cannot deny that God is faithful.  Even in the midst of my disappointment I see God taking care of me in other ways.  I have no choice but to begin to make peace with my disappointment, to begin again with God, to try to have a different understanding of what it means to walk with God.  I don't quite know how to do that, but I am committed to staying on the journey.  I will share more about this in my next entry.  Thanks for walking alongside me on this journey so far.

Following the Way,
Kevin

One Less Tear

These past couple of weeks have been trying for me.  I have felt beaten down by life, felt helpless to effect the kind of change I want, frustrated and tired of facing one struggle after another.  I need a break.  Can I get a time out?  I've been angry.  I'm tired of obstacles coming into my life that I have no control over.  I've put so much effort into guarding my heart and yet I find it broken again.  I find no humor in the irony.  I have reached my breaking point.  I don't understand what God is up to or why he has allowed such struggle in my life.  I am tired.  They say that trials come to make you strong.  Well if that's the case then people can stop calling me Kevin and start calling me the Incredible Hulk!  And I can't be the only one who has ever felt this way.  Sometimes you want to say, "Hey God, remember me?  I know you're busy and all, but a little help here would be nice.  Thanks!"

"Hold on.  Don't give up.  Hang in there."  Hearing these words are not very comforting when you are facing great difficulty, but what other option is there?  I'm hurting right now.  I'm angry right now.  I'm tired and frustrated right now,  but I'm not ready to give up.  I have to keep going.  I've experienced too many moments of joy to give up now.  And though I'm not particularly feeling this joy at this moment I know it will return, because the One who provides this joy is faithful.

Let's be honest, life can very quickly and unexpectedly become very difficult.  Sometimes success is crying one less tear than you did the day before.  You can't always fly.  You can't always run.  Sometimes you have to walk and when you don't have the strength for that sometimes you have to crawl.  The most important thing is that you keep moving.  What other option is there?

I trust God.  I often don't understand what He's up to, but I trust God and I am waiting patiently for joy to return because I know that it will.

Following the Way,

Kevin

More Than Grateful

This Christmas I didn’t need anything waiting for me under the tree because I had already received so much.  I experienced the faithfulness of God in such a profound way in 2010.  I feel so full right now.  I’m so tempted to leap out of my chair and have a praise break right here in the office!  GOD IS GOOD!!!  This is the cry of my heart right now.  In the midst of transition and uncertainty God is good and has proven to me over and over again that He can be trusted.

I just need to publicly thank God for all that I have received in 2010.  It was a year of major transition for me and God was there to lead me every step of the way.  He never left me alone. When I couldn’t walk he carried me.  When I was weak his presence made me strong. When worry began to grip my heart he gave me peace.  When friends walked away he brought wonderful people into my life to fill the void.  When I needed a new church home he blessed me with an amazing community of faith I am honored to be a part of.  When I experienced lack he provided.  When I failed he showed me grace.  When I fell he showed mercy.  When I was hungry and thirsty for something more than this world could provide he filled me with himself and now I am satisfied. 

What did I ever do to deserve such love and what can I ever do to repay God for it?  I am overwhelmed and I must say thank you.  I am more than grateful for God’s abiding indwelling presence.  I am more than grateful for this strength and joy that leaps up out of my soul when I need it most.  I am more than grateful for this love that cannot be named, that cannot adequately be described or measured that I can feel deep within the marrow of my bones, coursing through my veins, echoing in even the darkest corners of my soul where no one else dare go.  I am more than grateful that I have fallen in love with a God who had already fallen in love with me from day one.

It’s too much to take in.  I am held by love.  I am carried by love.  I am drowning in love.  I can’t understand it.  I can’t explain it.  I can’t repay God for it.  All I can say is thank you!

Following the Way,

Kevin