A Guided Meditation on Gratitude

This is a guided meditation I led at my church.  May it speak to your heart also.

I’m feeling incredibly broken right now.  In the past 6 months 2 people that I know have been shot and killed.  Both young women in their twenties and both from the church I was very involved in for seven years.  On Tuesday I found out a friend from college has cancer.  And in addition to all of that I’ve been processing some heavy personal disappointments of my own.  It is quite fitting that I am here tonight to talk about gratitude because if I am only able to say thank you to God when everything is going well than my thank you doesn’t really mean anything.  If gratitude is something I only express when everything is going according to plan than it can never become a spiritual practice that becomes life giving and life changing.

Someone recently asked me why am I so drawn to gratitude and I struggled to articulate an answer.  The best way that I can put it is that the ability to cultivate gratitude has saved my life.  Some of us have had many, many things go wrong in our lives and I am one of them.  As someone with a history of depression sometimes I become overwhelmed.  For me being depressed is like being locked into a pitch black room.  There are no windows, no doors.  It’s totally dark and I can’t see.  I can’t see God. I can’t see the ones around me.  It’s so dark I can’t even see myself.  But when I find something in my life to be grateful for and give thanks light comes into the room and I can see again.  The doors open and I can be reached.  I can be reached by God.  I can be reached by those who love me. I can be reached by joy even in the midst of pain.

Guided Meditation:

I want you to close your eyes and take a deep breath.  Think about a painful situation in your life for a moment.  Acknowledge it.  Feel the weight of it.  Take it all in.  Now search for something good even in that situation.  Is there any good to be found?  Is there anything to be grateful for?  Find it and focus on it.  Take a deep breath and as you breathe, breathe in gratitude.  Without ignoring the pain, focus on what you’re grateful for and breathe in gratitude.  With every breath let if fill you; let it fill your body and soul.  Let gratitude fill the thoughts of that painful situation and bring in its light. Take another breath.  Take another breath.  Allow your heart to rest in this place of gratitude. Carry this gratitude with you throughout your day.

Following the Way,

Kevin 

Our Weeping God

Indeed, God has a sense of humor or at the very least an exceptionally developed sense of irony!  It was just a few days ago that I was watching an episode of Project Runway with my roommate (Don’t judge me).  I was getting irritated because there were grown men on the show coming undone emotionally and weeping like somebody died over something as small as a dress!  There was one in particular.  I know he couldn’t hear me, but I couldn’t help but talk to the screen and say “Man up!  For God’s sake man, pull yourself together!”

Well, what do you know a few days later I find myself collapsed on the cold tile of the bathroom floor weeping like somebody died!  The next day I thought, “Ok Jesus, well played.  I hear ya.  Judge not lest ye be judged.  I get it now.  Point taken Lord, point taken. Can we move on to the next lesson now?”

Jesus wept.  John 11:35

 It’s the shortest verse in the Bible but it says so much.  Jesus wasn’t weeping because he was having a bad day or feeling particularly emotional that day.  He wept because he looked upon the pain of Martha and Mary as they mourned the loss of their brother and was moved by it.  He could not see their pain and not feel it himself.  He could not look upon their tears without shedding his own.

This is our God, our weeping God.  A God who loves us so much that our pain becomes God’s pain.  A God humble enough to leave the majesty of heaven to come weep with us, in our pain, in our sorrows, in our difficulties, in our broken places.  In the silence of our grief our God can be found holding us, comforting us, simply being present and bearing witness to our pain.

I was not alone on that bathroom floor.  Jesus saw my pain and just couldn’t help himself.  He came down, found some space on that bathroom floor and wept with me.  For this I am grateful.  For this my heart is overflowing with love for this weeping God and my mouth with praise.  For this I cannot help but tell the world I have a found a Love beyond words that never fails, never fades, and never falters.   It is always enough.  This weeping God is enough. 

My heart is fixed on this, that I am never alone and we are never alone.  Our God is never ashamed to weep when we weep and I will never be ashamed of our weeping God.

Following the Way,

Kevin

The Blessing of a Broken Heart

There's a blessing in having a broken heart.  I know this may sound strange, but I know it to be true in my own life.  In fact, I believe it is true for anyone following the spiritual path.  For believers it is important to remember that Christ did not come to remove our brokenness.  Anyone who thinks that following Jesus means you'll never cry or experience pain or illness or setbacks and difficulty is dead wrong!  For Christ did not come to remove our brokenness but to dwell more fully within it.  We are not blessed or broken; we are blessed and broken.  Christ came to dwell in our brokenness; to make our broken places his dwelling place.  So a broken heart with all of the grief and heaviness that comes with it is an opportunity to sink deeper into Jesus and for Jesus to sink deeper into us.  For this I am grateful.  Sometimes the only thing that can water the soil of our faith is our tears.

This is what I've been experiencing recently.  Facing some heavy disappointment I turned to God in prayer and felt the love and comfort only God can provide.  I said "God I lift my broken heart to You" and immediately felt God's response: God's abiding indwelling presence.  When I look back over my life I can't imagine how I would have survived if not for God carrying me through the hard times.  Over the years I've discovered that a heart that is broken has more room for God to dwell in.  A broken heart can be the catalyst for intimacy and drive us straight into the arms of God where we realize everything we need can be found there.  It reminds us of our need for God and allows us to rediscover the comfort and encouragement only God can bring.  For this I am grateful.

So when you find yourself with a heart that is breaking know that you're in a good place because a heart that can be broken is a heart that can be touched, that can be filled, that can be moved by the suffering of others, by the sound of laughter, by the simple sensation of a gentle passing breeze.  A heart that can be broken is the perfect place for God to dwell.  We are often ashamed of our brokenness, our weakness, our shortcomings.  Not God; for our brokenness is the place where God desires to dwell the most.  From God's perspective it's the best room in the house!  It's the place that God can mend, heal, restore and cause to expand.  You are blessed even in your brokenness so allow God to dwell in your broken places. It will make all the difference.  It has for me time and time again and is so even now.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God".  1 Corinthians 2:3-4

Following the Way,

Kevin

When God Disappoints

I have to admit I do not handle disappointment well.  When people disappointment me there's an automatic response in me to withdraw.  I don't even realize I'm doing it most times and many times it's a subtle withdrawal: a facial expression, the absence of a smile, a polite coldness.  I'm often not aware that I am subtly withdrawing until someone points it out to me.  It's something I have struggled with for a very long time, but I need to learn to make peace with disappointment because it's a guarantee that people will disappoint you from time to time.  Disappointment from people is inevitable, but what do you do when you feel disappointed by God?  I don't know.  I'm working through this right now.

Anyone who walks with God long enough will experience disappointment with God.  It's a part of the authentic journey with God.  Walk with God long enough and God will disappoint you.  Not because God wants to hurt your feelings, not because God ceases to be faithful; God never ceases to be faithful, but because God often does the unexpected and often leaves the expected undone.  Our disappointment stems from our expectations of God and sometimes, as in any relationship, our expectations need to be adjusted.

I am disappointed with God right now regarding a major area of my life.  I have asked for God's help with something that I cannot make happen on my own and it hasn't happened yet.  I feel like it's been a long time.  I have watched many other people in my life have what I am still praying for and there are times when I can't help but ask,  "God where are you?  Do you see me?  Can't you see that I'm hurting?  Do you care?  When are you going to do something?  I can't make this happen on my own and I don't think I can wait much longer."  It's hard.  It's frustrating.  I feel it's unfair.  I don't know what to do.

I withdrew from God in prayer because I couldn't help but feel that God was responsible for my pain in some way.  Has anyone else ever felt that way?  I felt that God was just watching me go through life with a broken heart and not doing anything so I withdrew.  I stopped talking to God in prayer and in doing so I cut myself off from a major source of strength in my life.  Big mistake!

So what do I do now?  My back is against the wall.  I can't fall back on my default position: withdrawal; that's not working.  Giving God the silent treatment is accomplishing nothing!  I cannot deny that God is faithful.  Even in the midst of my disappointment I see God taking care of me in other ways.  I have no choice but to begin to make peace with my disappointment, to begin again with God, to try to have a different understanding of what it means to walk with God.  I don't quite know how to do that, but I am committed to staying on the journey.  I will share more about this in my next entry.  Thanks for walking alongside me on this journey so far.

Following the Way,
Kevin

Where is God?

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

These are not the words of a person who has no faith.  These are not the words of a person who doesn't know God.  These are the words of Jesus in the midst of agonizing pain on the cross in Matthew 27:46 and I'm so glad he said them!  Why?  Because knowing that even Jesus felt this way at least once enables us to be gentle with ourselves when we feel the same way.  Sometimes in the midst of great pain and difficulty we don't feel God around us at all.  We feel forgotten and forsaken.  We can't help but ask, "Where is God?"  Often we feel guilty or make others feel guilty for asking such a question, but this question is an authentic part of the journey with God.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Jesus was not the first person to ever say this or feel this way.  He is quoting Psalm 22, written a thousand years before his time.  People on the journey have been wrestling with this for a very long time: the felt absence of God in the presence of real pain.  I don't believe that God disappears when we are hurting, but that sometimes the pain we experience in life is so great it becomes all that we can see, all that we can feel.  It can become so overwhelming and blind us to everything else.  When you have lost your mother to cancer and you're only a teenager, when you have had 3 miscarriages in a row but still no children, when the love of your life has left you and has shattered your heart to pieces, it is hard to feel God, hard to see God in your life, hard to believe that God is still there.

Feeling this way is ok.  Anyone on the journey will feel this way at one point or another.  Don't lie about it.  Don't pretend it's not there.  Don't feel guilty.  Feel what you're feeling and bring it all to God.  Your frustration, your disappointment, your anger, your rage, bring it all to God.  Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in feeling what you're feeling.  For thousands of years people on the journey have been struggling with the exact same feelings.  You are not alone.

I don't know why life can be so painful at times, but in moments when life has broken my heart and I can't see God and I can't hear God and I can't feel God, I sit and I wait.  I know that feeling forsaken is not the same as being forsaken.  I know that  I am surrounded by a God that I sometimes cannot feel because the pain gets in the way. And if knowing this isn't enough I sit and I wait until it is.

Following the Way,
Kevin

One Less Tear

These past couple of weeks have been trying for me.  I have felt beaten down by life, felt helpless to effect the kind of change I want, frustrated and tired of facing one struggle after another.  I need a break.  Can I get a time out?  I've been angry.  I'm tired of obstacles coming into my life that I have no control over.  I've put so much effort into guarding my heart and yet I find it broken again.  I find no humor in the irony.  I have reached my breaking point.  I don't understand what God is up to or why he has allowed such struggle in my life.  I am tired.  They say that trials come to make you strong.  Well if that's the case then people can stop calling me Kevin and start calling me the Incredible Hulk!  And I can't be the only one who has ever felt this way.  Sometimes you want to say, "Hey God, remember me?  I know you're busy and all, but a little help here would be nice.  Thanks!"

"Hold on.  Don't give up.  Hang in there."  Hearing these words are not very comforting when you are facing great difficulty, but what other option is there?  I'm hurting right now.  I'm angry right now.  I'm tired and frustrated right now,  but I'm not ready to give up.  I have to keep going.  I've experienced too many moments of joy to give up now.  And though I'm not particularly feeling this joy at this moment I know it will return, because the One who provides this joy is faithful.

Let's be honest, life can very quickly and unexpectedly become very difficult.  Sometimes success is crying one less tear than you did the day before.  You can't always fly.  You can't always run.  Sometimes you have to walk and when you don't have the strength for that sometimes you have to crawl.  The most important thing is that you keep moving.  What other option is there?

I trust God.  I often don't understand what He's up to, but I trust God and I am waiting patiently for joy to return because I know that it will.

Following the Way,

Kevin